WEB EXCLUSIVE: A super intelligent look at my seasonal attitude

Jeff Schooley

This is the suckiest summer (according to me and my friends). We just work, take classes and wait for the normality of the fall semester to return. Almost all of us have better living conditions in the fall and, we think, we’ll have more money, too. Of course, by October, I’ll probably be lamenting the end of the warmth, but until then, here are my Top 10 Reasons This Summer Needs To Be Over:

10. I’m tired of living off my $10 paycheck each month from the Stater that I get for writing this dribble. I don’t deserve the whole $10, so I’m not really complaining, but it is a tough stretch.

9. Fifteen weeks of classwork in five weeks sucks! Nothing says summertime to me like having a midterm and a final separated by 10 lousy days.

8. A heat index of 92 degrees … and its 8:30 p.m. I weigh a lot. It’s hot. Sweat leads to the buildup of odor-causing bacteria. Need I go on?

7. Pretty girls in skimpy clothing are not as much fun when in a serious relationship. Really, I just want jeans and hoodies back (sorry, single male friends). Love you, honey!

6. I’m tired of the most exciting news being death tolls of people who couldn’t escape a hurricane predicted 10 days in advance. Let’s review. You live in an area known for hurricanes. The Weather Channel is treating the next land-bound storm as the greatest reality TV show ever. The Red Cross has set up 13 emergency shelters in a mile radius from your house… and you think you can just wait this one out? I’m guessing you got voted off the island really early in the game.

5. Construction makes driving on the ice preferable. And some guy is paid $14 an hour to hold a sign above his head that reads “Slow.” That little joke on him is the only thing that keeps me sane during construction.

4. Mosquitoes that have taken more blood than the Red Cross during emergency drives. Given that 90 percent of my current income comes from donating plasma, these little boogers are seriously messing with my cash flow!

3. Constantly being reminded by news anchors to stay hydrated. This is what they consider a “public service.” It’s like being reminded to wipe after you finish. If you’re stupid enough not to, you got coming what you deserve.

2. Just want an end to all the bad remakes in theaters. Did the Screenwriters Guild go on strike or something?

1. I’m tired of getting judgmental looks for drinking beer while sitting in a kiddie pool in just my underwear. It’s not like I’m pulling an MJ and inviting kids in with me. I’m just trying to stay cool (see number 8).

0. The only thing worth writing a column about is why socialists are so retarded. Using the word retarded is unfair. Those born with mental handicaps or disabilities have not made a conscious decision to be that way. Socialists, on the other hand, pay $3,500 a semester in tuition to be this mentally incompetent. I apologize to the mentally disabled for associating them with socialists.

Jeff Schooley studies English Literature at a graduate level and is a really funny columnist for the Summer Kent Stater. Contact him at [email protected].