Editor’s note: This column was written before Terri Schiavo, 41, died in a Florida hospice yesterday.

 

After whining about the Michael Jackson case in my last column, I remember asking God to bless America with intellectually stimulating news. Last week, my prayers were answered and the Jackson case moonwalked off my television set.

But, as I was recuperating from getting raped by Jacko stories, I got kicked in the balls with the Terri Schiavo case.

Throughout my patronizing excuse for a spring break, news outlets shoved the same Schiavo stories down my throat over and over again. If I hear the phrase “re-insert the feeding tube” or “persistent vegetative state” one more time, I’m going to cry myself to sleep. I haven’t cried myself to sleep since “Full House” went off the air in 1995.

I tried switching to other news sources in hopes that someone out there could answer my SOS call for intelligent news. But Schiavo was in more places on TV than malignant spyware on my computer. All I needed was Terri Schiavo to come out from the television set and tell me that I have seven days to live (by the way, I demand a $7.50 refund for the Ring 2 sucking miserably).

Turdburgling talk radio hosts spent every chunk of their Clear Channel allocated time slots to blab about Schiavo. On TV, media watchdog groups blasted FOX News’ Sean Hannity and MSNBC’s Joe Scarborough after the two yokels consulted a man named Hammesfahr to promote their robotic talking points. Both Hannity and Scarborough claimed that Hammesfahr was a Nobel Prize nominee who claimed that Terri Schiavo could be treated.

But thanks to Media Matters for America, a media watchdog group with a blatant liberal slant, it turns out that Dr. Hammesfahr was never actually nominated for a Nobel Prize. The claim came from a letter Rep. Mike Bilirakis (R-Florida) sent to recommend Hammesfahr for a nomination. Turns out that Bilirakis is not a part of the 3,000 people allowed to submit official nominations for a Nobel Prize.

But what amazed me the most in the Schiavo case was the government deciding to join in on the festivities. ABC News discovered an unsigned memo distributed to Republican senators saying “this is an important moral issue and the pro-life base will be excited that the Senate is debating this important issue.” Other politicians milking the Schiavo case included House Majority Leader Tom DeLay, implying that the Schiavo case could take pressure off his campaign corruption charges.

Terri Schiavo even managed to trigger President Bush’s spider sense, as he abandoned his vacation plans in Texas to sign the Schiavo legislation in Washington. It’s great to know while Janjaweed militants continue to slaughter and rape the people of Sudan, our government is quick to respond to a 15-year lackluster life support case.

All I need now is an NBC made-for-TV movie with Sally Field as Terri Schiavo and Tom Selleck as her husband for my life to be complete.

Don’t get me wrong, my heart goes out to the Schiavo family because I understand the pain they must be dealing with. But I know for damn sure that we’re not in any position to exploit that pain.

Aman Ali is a junior information design major, president of the Muslim Students Association and a columnist for the Daily Kent Stater. Contact him at [email protected].

After whining about the Michael Jackson case in my last column, I remember asking God to bless America with intellectually stimulating news. Last week, my prayers were answered and the Jackson case moonwalked off my television set.

But, as I was recuperating from getting raped by Jacko stories, I got kicked in the balls with the Terri Schiavo case.

Throughout my patronizing excuse for a spring break, news outlets shoved the same Schiavo stories down my throat over and over again. If I hear the phrase “re-insert the feeding tube” or “persistent vegetative state” one more time, I’m going to cry myself to sleep. I haven’t cried myself to sleep since “Full House” went off the air in 1995.

I tried switching to other news sources in hopes that someone out there could answer my SOS call for intelligent news. But Schiavo was in more places on TV than malignant spyware on my computer. All I needed was Terri Schiavo to come out from the television set and tell me that I have seven days to live (by the way, I demand a $7.50 refund for the Ring 2 sucking miserably).

Turdburgling talk radio hosts spent every chunk of their Clear Channel allocated time slots to blab about Schiavo. On TV, media watchdog groups blasted FOX News’ Sean Hannity and MSNBC’s Joe Scarborough after the two yokels consulted a man named Hammesfahr to promote their robotic talking points. Both Hannity and Scarborough claimed that Hammesfahr was a Nobel Prize nominee who claimed that Terri Schiavo could be treated.

But thanks to Media Matters for America, a media watchdog group with a blatant liberal slant, it turns out that Dr. Hammesfahr was never actually nominated for a Nobel Prize. The claim came from a letter Rep. Mike Bilirakis (R-Florida) sent to recommend Hammesfahr for a nomination. Turns out that Bilirakis is not a part of the 3,000 people allowed to submit official nominations for a Nobel Prize.

But what amazed me the most in the Schiavo case was the government deciding to join in on the festivities. ABC News discovered an unsigned memo distributed to Republican senators saying “this is an important moral issue and the pro-life base will be excited that the Senate is debating this important issue.” Other politicians milking the Schiavo case included House Majority Leader Tom DeLay, implying that the Schiavo case could take pressure off his campaign corruption charges.

Terri Schiavo even managed to trigger President Bush’s spider sense, as he abandoned his vacation plans in Texas to sign the Schiavo legislation in Washington. It’s great to know while Janjaweed militants continue to slaughter and rape the people of Sudan, our government is quick to respond to a 15-year lackluster life support case.

All I need now is an NBC made-for-TV movie with Sally Field as Terri Schiavo and Tom Selleck as her husband for my life to be complete.

Don’t get me wrong, my heart goes out to the Schiavo family because I understand the pain they must be dealing with. But I know for damn sure that we’re not in any position to exploit that pain.

Aman Ali is a junior information design major, president of the Muslim Students Association and a columnist for the Daily Kent Stater. Contact him at [email protected].