Monthly Kent Satire

Credit: Andrew popik

‘Hip-hop’ to class with stylish new buses

 

The face of Portage Area Regional Transportation Authority is getting a new look this fall.

Joe Lawrence, PARTA fleet coordinator, announced that Kent State buses will include new features, including mini-TVs in the back of every seat, disco balls, bullet-proof tinted windows, hydraulics, “spinners” and speakers bigger than most people’s heads.

“We found that after we cut half our fleet and most of our relevant routes, students don’t take the bus any more,” Lawrence said.

PARTA has spent the last year polling high school freshmen about the changes they would make.

“We really asked the kids to think outside of the box,” Lawrence said.

So far, the new pimped-out PARTA is getting mixed reviews.

“I love it,” says hip-hopper freshman Bone-Chillin’. “It’s everything I want in my ride.”

Senior fashion design major Ashley Nonam has a different view of the new PARTA.

“Listen, I was, like, here when the bus was actually on time and the Campus Loop came, like, every five minutes, so you never had to wait in the cold,” Nonam said. “But they, like, cut, like, funding or something like that. It sucks.”

Lawrence wasn’t concerned about the negative comments so far.

“Most of the complaints, we’ve found, have been coming from either older students who were part of the old Campus Bus Service or really unhip younger students,” he said. “Either way, we don’t care.

Lawrence said he wasn’t familiar with MTV or the TV show “Pimp My Ride” but was unsure what prostitution has to do with PARTA.

“Listen, there is no prostitution here. None!” he said.

For now, students should keep a look out for the three new “pimped” buses and, if they feel the need for a loud, nauseating experience on the way to class or the rec center, they should hip-hop on one of the new buses.

Contact urban living reporter Jeff Schooley at [email protected].