Regarding a sin older than prostitution

Don Norvell

While I have enjoyed commenting upon social issues, it is high time I went into politics.

Every night, when I watch “The O’Reilly Factor,” I see politicians, special interest groups and other pinheads bloviate about what is happening. It never ceases to amaze me how adept they are at saying so much and so little at the same time. These people can spend hours misinterpreting problems, proposing non-solutions, denying that a problem exists and constantly changing the subject to avoid looking like idiots.

To distinguish myself from the pinheads, I have devised a solution to campaign finance reform. Naturally, the politicians would never take this proposal seriously because none of them have the vision to win an election without obscene amounts of money. Because I am not a politician, my proposal is concise and written in simple English so that even the pinheads can understand it.

Section 1 — Only registered voters may donate to political campaigns.

I occasionally tell my friends that the law is 1 percent substance and 99 percent semantics. This statement is a beautiful example of how careful diction can create far-reaching consequences. By requiring donors to be registered voters, special interest groups and corporations are immediately disqualified. Political action committees and political parties are reduced to cheerleaders and rightfully so.

While this may appear to violate the First Amendment, the Supreme Court has upheld restrictions upon campaign contributions in McConnell v. Federal Election Commission (2003) and its precedents as a useful means to minimize (ideally, prevent) corruption among elected officials.

Section 2 — A donor may only contribute to candidates who appear on the ballot in his precinct.

Hollywood celebrities and corporate CEOs have the right to vote only in their respective precincts of residence. It is unjust for them to throw their money across district and state lines to influence elections in which they cannot participate.

Since, in presidential elections, one votes for the Electoral College, not the candidate directly, donations from Hollywood cannot be spent in any other state. The obnoxiously rich are still confined to their homes!

Section 3 — Any candidate who accepts contributions herein prohibited will be disqualified from holding any office of trust or profit under the United States or any state. If he already holds such an office, he will be removed from said office, and the vacancy will be filled as prescribed by law.

Corruption among our leaders is a grave threat to democracy!

This zero-tolerance policy is necessary to minimize the number of politicians and maximize the number of public servants.

Note the strange absence of a contribution limit.

The divinely beautiful and divinely brilliant Ann Coulter explains in her book How to Talk to a Liberal (If You Must) that the media can sidestep campaign finance laws by using their respective for a to give nearly unlimited support to their candidates through biased reporting and cheerleading commentary. There is no way to regulate such support without destroying the First Amendment. I agree with Coulter that it is only fair to allow everyone else to donate every penny they can spare to support their candidates.

Don Norvell is physics graduate assistant and a columnist for the Daily Kent Stater. Contact him at [email protected].