The month of March has been unofficially designated “Don’t go home every damn weekend” month. All month long, students will be encouraged to stay in town during the weekends and enjoy all that the college social scene has to offer.

Many students who stick around on the weekends have found themselves facing the “Kent Conundrum.” The driving force of this theory is the fact that there is nothing to do on the weekends, so people leave yet, conversely, people leave because there is nothing to do.

One of the most common reasons for weekend departures is to visit an out-of-town girlfriend or boyfriend. Freshman Lola Deganova leaves campus almost every weekend to visit her loser hometown boyfriend.

“I don’t think he has any intentions of ever leaving his dead-end job at home,” Lola explained. “I think the driving back and forth thing will work for at least another month before the jealousy and estrangement that inevitably dissolves long-distance relationships will set in.”

One program in the works is aimed at making it less troublesome for dorm residents to host a guest of the opposite sex. RA’s will be handing out coupons that will be good for one 20-minute noisy top-bunk encounter with a boyfriend or girlfriend, free of roommate complaints or interference. The tickets will be in limited supply and distributed on a first-come, first-served basis.

The entire university community will be helping to make “Don’t Go Home” Month a success.

Parking Services is doing their part by closing all S lots and the Stadium lot for at least two weekends during March. This means that students parked in those lots will not have access to their vehicles until Sunday morning, unless they drive their car over the randomly placed spike strips, which will be set to help deter students who might think of leaving otherwise.

Kent State’s Greek community will be opening its doors to students who are looking for a different kind of amusement off campus. Fraternities will be relaxing their stringent standards pertaining to party guests. In addition to blonde, orange-skinned freshman and sophomore females, other less trendy students — including but not limited to Goths, skeezers and weirdos — will be welcomed.

The proposed elimination of certain awkward social situations will be a big incentive to venture off campus. Every Friday in March, students will be able to attend any gathering at a private residence without ever being asked the presumptuous question, “Who do you know here?”

Other activities will include a mechanical bull rodeo in Eastway Center and a campus-wide game of flashlight tag.

Students are expected to use this as an opportunity to become more socially active — whether they like it or not. “Don’t Go Home Every Damn Weekend” Month kicks off tomorrow and promises to be an exciting time.

Bob Patrick is a junior political science major and a columnist for the Daily Kent Stater. Contact him at [email protected].