The advice you’ve been waiting for

Dear Jessica,

I have an unnatural compulsion to buy sweat pants. I now own over 50 pairs that I wear to class every single day. Every night I dream of buying 50 oversized sweat shirts to match. I think I am obsessed with looking sloppy and unkempt… help!

—Dumpy in Dunbar

 

Dear Dumpy,

The last time I checked, being comfortable wasn’t a sin, so why not run with it? Most people have some sort of signature they work into their style, and in case you haven’t heard, it’s all the rage to give yourself a hernia trying to look like you aren’t consciously working on being awesome.

My suggestion is to give in to temptation and buy a pair of sweats to match your every whim and fancy. There’s no reason why you can’t express your inner “you” through your sweat pants; buy a few pairs with fanciful sayings like “Paws off,” “Lil’ Angel” or “Bling Bling” plastered across one or both ass cheeks.

Or better yet, why not pay car washes and local bands to advertise on your butt? This way you can look cute and turn a profit … legally!

Dear Jessica,

I didn’t do very good last semester. In fact, I barely scraped by with a 2.0. This semester I’m aiming for a 3.0 and I was hoping you could help me out with some study tips. Please tell me I’m not a lost cause!

—Struggling To Understand Difficult Information

 

Dear S.T.U.D.I.,

First of all, I would like to compliment you on your acronym. However, the fact that you couldn’t come up with a word that begins with “y” proves that your situation is indeed dire.

I find that when crunch-time comes around, putting away any alcohol and loose women will do wonders for exam scores. Opening up a book every once in a while helps too. And reading! It’s amazing what that can do.

I am a bit concerned, however, with your decision to try for a 3.0 this semester. Why set your standards so high? It will only disappoint you in the end when you don’t do “good.” My best advice for you is to go for the 2.2 and forget about that ‘B’ average.

Jessica Wageman is the advice columnist for the Monthly Kent Satire. Contact her at [email protected].