Opinion: 5 reasons to use the new Snapchat feature, ‘Snap Map’

Matt Poe

The ever-popular social media app Snapchat recently introduced its newest feature to entice the masses and excite the local perverts in your community.

This new feature known as SnapMap allows users to share their geolocation with their friends, which translated into old people’s terms, basically tells people where you and your cell phone are at that given moment.

Now, this sounds like a pretty awful idea right off the bat, no? The general consensus I have gotten from most is that it is a probably not smart to add a useless feature while also poses some concerning thoughts about sharing your immediate location with strangers. Yik Yak sort of did that before and now it’s Snapchat’s turn.

Anyways, I have compiled a list of validated reasons to use the new SnapMap that I’m sure you fine people can put to good use.

1.     You’ve been out all night drinking with your friends at the bar. You’ve pounded some pregame beers, smashed some double whiskeys and are rallying the troops for some late night grub only to realize one friend drunkenly wandered off. That one friend knows exactly who he or she is. Don’t be them.

Anyway, if they’ve shared their geolocation on Snapchat, you can leave the bar and find your buddy outside hitting on a girl who’s actually a parking meter. Grab him and head home for more beers!

2.     Want to know which slimy scuzzy no-good loser your ex is with now? I certainly do! By looking at their geolocation, you can find out where they are and infer tons of possibilities about who they’re with. This is very good for one’s self esteem and mental state, trust me.

Or, if you’re just as psycho but in a relationship, you can spy on your significant other and see exactly where they are. He said he was staying in tonight but is actually at a local strip club for $10 dances? That lying (unprintable word).

3.     Want to be like James Stewart’s character in Alfred Hitchcock’s Rear Window? You totally can spy on people like a millennial after learning their location and follow them wherever they are. I’m sure this will go over totally well! (Note: this will not go over totally well and could be viewed as stalking or harassment. Don’t do this. Get a life. Loser.)

4.     Couldn’t make it to that concert or other big event because you were stuck doing something else? Fear not! Once your friends share their geolocation from said event, you can imagine all the fun they’re having and experience FOMO (that’s “fear of missing out”). Yes, this is also mighty healthy for one’s psychological state.

Now stop thinking about all the fun your friends are having and go bus tables four and nine; you’re not being paid to look at your phone. Damn millennials.

5.     Want to just be a general creep and have to know where everyone constantly is? Then the SnapMap is for you!

Putting on my serious helmet for a second, I am all for exposing (not literally) one’s self on social media here and there. I live for the occasional subtweet about someone (you know who you are) or to post some lyrics about a song that’s got me feeling upbeat or nostalgic.

Hell, I’m even for sharing some intimate details of yourself on social media if you’re willing and don’t constantly do it — permitting certain exceptions.

But this new update is just too much for my personal taste. It seems as if in today’s world and social media that we constantly need to tell everyone what we’re doing all the time. I’m guilty of it too, and my Twitter is the smoking gun.

Worry less about what others are doing and enjoy your own moment. I know it’s easier said than done. Certain things are best enjoyed with a few special people.

Now if you don’t mind, I’m going to see what my people are up to the old fashioned way: by calling them (calls friends, no one answers).

Maybe I should just check if they shared their geolocation. Just a peek, and then I’m off the stuff for good.

Matt Poe is a columnist. Contact him at [email protected].