Opinion: As Poe puts it: McConnell tries to invoke nuclear option, accidentally launches nuclear warhead

Matt Poe

Editor’s note: The following piece contains satire. Some events mentioned in the column are factitious.

Well, folks, this is quite a predicament we just put ourselves in.

As you may be aware, Senate Republicans invoked the nuclear option in regards to confirming Supreme Court nominee Neil Gorsuch as the newest addition to the court. I wonder if the Gorsuch bot has been repaired since its last major malfunction.

You may be asking yourself, dear reader, what exactly is the nuclear option?

Basically, Senate Majority Leader and Franklin the Turtle-lookalike Mitch McConnell changed the required number of votes needed to confirm Gorsuch, which is currently 60 votes, to a simple majority of 51.

McConnell is nonetheless a slimy skeleton of an amphibian who I had little doubt would be eager to use this option if Senate Democrats filibuster. That being said, don’t forget Harry Reid invoked the nuclear option just several years ago in 2013 to appoint Barack Obama’s appeals-court judges.

Way to go, Harry. This thing is coming back around to bite us in the ass.

In short, since Franklin the Turtle decided to go this route, Gorsuch’s confirmation will all but likely be approved and while it’s just another example of McConnell’s power hungry lunacy; I blame Reid just as much for setting such a precedent.

Lo and behold, an anonymous source stated that McConnell was ready to pull the trigger on this thing early Thursday morning. But the ancient relic known as McConnell, believing he was pressing the button to invoke the nuclear option, accidently hit the button that read “NUCLEAR WARHEAD” launching a nuke that thankfully landed far out in the Pacific Ocean.

How he even got near that button is beyond me.

Fortunately, I was able to contact McConnell and ask him just what the hell he was thinking in regards to invoking the nuclear option and launching that damn warhead. First, I had to put on a raincoat because I was afraid he would launch more spit at me than Lou Holtz talking Notre Dame football (love you, Lou).

“I thought it was the necessary thing to do,” McConnell said as I spat my coffee into a nearby potted plant.

“You thought launching a nuclear warhead was the right thing to do?” I asked.

“No, no, that was a mistake. But, hey, I’m a Republican, I love a good war and we haven’t a good war in quite some time,” McConnell said as he poked his head out of his robust shell to munch on a piece of celery laying on the floor of his crate.

With the aforementioned warhead thankfully missing its mark, the world can rest somewhat assured tonight. Never mind the fact that Obama’s Supreme Court nominee, Merrick Garland, didn’t even get a single hearing when his name came up to replace the late justice and Jabba the Hut-lookalike Antonin Scalia.

Never mind the fact that McConnell and the rest of the Republicans said the Democrats were being childish for considering to filibuster this whole ordeal. Never mind the fact that it’s beyond hypocritical of them to say such a thing.

We avoided a major disaster today (barring the fact that the less danger nuclear option actually happened),and now it’s time for me to put the padlock back on McConnell’s crate so he doesn’t go scampering around again.

Yeah, yeah, I made sure to give him water and a carrot before I left. I’m mean, but I’m not that mean.

Matt Poe is a columnist, contact him at [email protected].