Opinion: As Poe puts it: Neil Gorsuch short circuits during hearings, is actually a robot

Matt Poe

Editor’s note: The following column contains satire. Some events mentioned in the piece are fictitious.

Just when I thought I’d seen and heard it all, this dandy comes along.

Capitol Hill is a mess right now (to quote President Dingus) after the aforementioned Dingus’ Supreme Court appointee short circuited during one of his congressional hearings. Shortly thereafter, authorities examined the slumped Neil Gorsuch and discovered he was actually some sort of artificial intelligence or robotic machine.

Minnesota Sen. and personal man crush of mine Al Franken was in the midst of grilling Gorsuch on his judicial record when the so-called judge began to exude a plume of smoke and sent sparks flying from the neck area.

Whether it was Franken’s terrific line of questioning that made Gorsuch spontaneously combust or some major malfunction in hardware, is currently unclear.

Luckily, no one else was injured in the incident, aside from a partial area of the head belonging to Republican Majority Leader and Franklin the Turtle look-alike Mitch McConnell. He’ll survive, and there’s no signs he’ll be inhibited from doing his job because, well, he never did a good job of it in the first place.

Reports also indicate the incident won’t affect McConnell’s line of thinking that fills his marble-headed brain.

But that’s neither here nor there.

Anyway, this development surrounding Gorsuch is shocking and prompts more questions than answers right now. For starters, Gorsuch was questioned many times on whether or not he could remain impartial in his rulings and separate from President Cheese Whiz, who appointed him.

He stated that he could, but I did notice a small shock that made him twitch upon answering that question. I’m not ready to say that someone in the White House was controlling him via remote device and that he was shocked as punishment. And while I’d love to say I saw this one coming, I — for once — did not.

First time for everything, I know.

The question of who programmed this Gorsuch bot also leads me to believe maybe another agency or force was at play. President Doofus’ administration has routinely been alleged to have Russian ties, and it makes me wonder if Vladimir Putin and his government could have helped program the Gorsuch bot.

After all, they’ve meddled so much in our politics and election over the past 18-plus months that it wouldn’t be a shock to find out they had deliberately programmed this so-called judge to help rule in matters preferential to them.

Is that so far-fetched? You tell me (honestly, because I have no idea).

As some of you may recall, Republicans blocked the appointment of President Obama’s (remember that cool cat?) Supreme Court pick, Merrick Garland, for almost a year’s time. I reached out to Garland in an attempt to get his thoughts on the matter.

“Look, am I surprised? Hell no. All I do know is that seat on the highest court in the land should be mine,” Garland said as he stared deeply at pictures of past and current Supreme Court justices.

That being said, with Gorsuch malfunctioned and currently being rewired like Arnold Schwarzenegger in one of the “Terminator” films, it’ll be interesting to see what comes next.

Will he still be appointed? Will we find out his replacement is also a robot? Did I leave the stove on? What did Bill Murray really say to Scarlett Johansson at the end of “Lost in Translation?

Let’s hope these questions, and more, are answered on next week’s episode of “America is going to hell, and I hijacked the White House because I was bored and there’s nothing you can do about it,” exclusively on America, channel 1776.

(Gets word from earpiece.)

Actually, channel America has just been renamed Trump Land.

Dammit. We’re so screwed. 

Matt Poe is a columnist, contact him at [email protected].