As Poe puts it: Paul Ryan breaks Guinness World Record

Matt Poe

Editor’s note: The following column contains satire. Some events mentioned in the piece are fictitious.

Now this, folks, is pretty cool.

Reports are surfacing that willing whipping-boy and Speaker of the House Paul Ryan has broken into the Guinness Book of World Records by living the longest without a spine. It’s a truly remarkable feat by any measure, and Ryan’s newly anointed record is one he wholeheartedly deserves.

I was fortunate enough that the Republican politician spoke to a bleeding-liberal columnist like myself, but — as we’ve come to expect from Ryan — he’ll do just about anything to make people like him.

“I’m honored, truly honored,” Ryan said as he lay in his natural state as a gelatinous pile of goo.

“I’ve often been told I’m willing to stand for anything that benefits me and screws over others. Well, not literally stand because of the whole lack of spine thing, but figuratively!” he added.

Ryan surpassed long-time record holder and incessant babbler Rudy Giuliani, who had previously held the title from the late 1990s until this past week.

I tried to reach Giuliani for comment and got him on the phone, but I couldn’t understand a word he said, mostly due to him yelling the whole time. Actual spit began seeping through the earhole of my phone; it was a frightening spectacle on a multitude of levels.

Anyway, back to Ryan.

The reports indicated that Guinness finally had to give Ryan the spineless record after his latest role in the attempted undoing of Obamacare and proposal of the American Health Care Act (AHCA). Or as I like to call it, the “LOL, you’re poor and you don’t deserve health insurance because of it” Act.

The AHCA has been slammed by some Republicans for being too generous (smacks forehead) and almost universally damned by Democrats for its overall scummy-ness (the actual bill is reportedly covered in slime and massive flies).

The bill could reportedly leave almost 24 million people uninsured over the next decade while cutting the federal deficit by $337 billion. Why help people when you can save money, right?

Oh, and don’t worry, because it gets better! The AHCA is also reportedly going to remove affordable care to millions of the poorest in this country while acting as a tax cut for the rich. That sounds (insert word we can’t print) awful!

I asked Ryan about these alleged numbers and the potential harm they could project onto millions of Americans. Surprising to none, I got the following response:

“Why would we help people who can’t afford outlandish health care prices?” Ryan gawked as he scuttled across the floor of his Capitol Hill office, leaving a distinguishable trail of goo behind on the tile.

“I don’t associate myself with the less fortunate. In fact, I’ve never even seen a poor person before, do they really exist?” Ryan asked.

I contacted Guinness about selecting Ryan as the longest living human without a spine, and they said the choice was a no-brainer (did they check for that, too?).

“Yeah, this is usually a pretty intense process when it comes to verifying an actual world record,” a spokesperson for the organization said. “But we showed up and finally saw Mr. Ryan in his true form, and we were like, ‘Holy crap, just give the guy the title on the spot.'”

I also tried to get some verification if Ryan had both testicles intact, and all my sources indicated they had no confirmation on their existence since he began his political career. But hey, let’s not get carried away here.

The important thing to remember is that Paul Ryan is the model for all who aspire to move forward in their respective careers regardless of the people who need to be removed, squashed or stepped on along the way — or die. After all, people may actually die because they can’t afford their health care services, but at least they have that iPhone they so covet.

So congratulations, Paul Ryan: You continue to set the bar incredibly low and remind us that some see public service only as a means to benefit their own ends. Please, continue to be really good at being really awful and the records will come pouring in. 

Hopefully you can find them over the cries of outrage and sound of the dying as they plead for help under your watch!

Matt Poe is a columnist, contact him at [email protected].