We need to talk about the clowns

Matt Poe

I didn’t want to do this. I told myself I wouldn’t do this. I convinced myself I wouldn’t succumb and give in to devoting my column to this charade of panic engulfing the country.

That all changed Monday night when Twitter blew up with people at Kent State reporting a clown sighting on campus, prompting students and law enforcement to go on a “manhunt” for the alleged clown. Kent State police indicated the alleged picture from Monday night was indeed months old, and no evidence of a clown was found.

With that incident on a silver platter, I couldn’t hold it in any longer. So today, we’re going to talk about clowns. Never during my lovely time with this publication did I think I would be writing a column about clowns terrorizing people across the country, aside from The Donald and Hillary (oh, no he didn’t). Sorry, had to get that out of my system.

Anyway, this clown epidemic has taken the nation by storm over the past several weeks, and the reported sightings of people dressed as clowns is on the rise. But just in case you live under a rock or are suffering from some type of clown-related illness like coulrophobia, I’ll get you up to speed.

Sightings have been reported in North Carolina where people dressed like clowns were allegedly attempting to lure children in the woods. Sightings have also been reported in Cincinnati — where schools were prompted to lockdown — and other areas around the state.. Most baffling of all, a 13-year-old girl in Virginia allegedly tried to hire a clown online to kill her teacher, as if this entire pandemic wasn’t loony enough. This is the time we live in, folks.

The hysteria behind this clown pandemic has gotten out of control. The fact that all it takes is one person to post a false image on social media for an entire campus to lose their minds is exactly what these people dressed as clowns want you to do.

They want you to see an image or 30-second video and flip out because it just fuels their desire to keep the crazy train barreling forward. I guarantee an overwhelming majority of these people are doing this for the cheap thrills its receiving, not to actually harm people.

That being said, I’m not by any means condoning confronting these guys if you encounter them. Having read Stephen King’s “IT,” I consider myself qualified to take down any clown that dares cross my path. Unless you are physically capable of going all Liam Neeson on them like I am, call the cops and report what you saw. It’s that simple. Frantic posts on social media don’t do anything to make this farce go away.

Are clowns inherently scary? Hell yes. Their existence dates back to the ancient Egyptians, and while their roles and depictions have since changed, no sane person has been a fan of clowns. Kids hate them, adults hate them and I hate them. But until something serious happens (God forbid) and we all descend into a real-life Purge, I say to hell with the clowns.

Frankly, I pity these people who have so much time on their hands to devote their lives to such a stupid thing. We should feel sorry for them because they are truly a helpless group of people. We all love to be scared on some level but this is not that. It’s a nuisance and it’s just plain dumb. Forget them. There are a lot more important things going on in our world that need our attention.

Lastly, I’d recommend not dressing as a clown for Halloween this year. It may not go over well.

Matt Poe is a columnist, contact him at [email protected].