Opinion: America’s Mediocre Brewery

 

 

Dylan Lusk

Dylan Lusk

Dylan Lusk is an Electronic Media Production major and a columnist for the Daily Kent Stater. Contact him at [email protected]

As I’m sure many of you know, Ohio received a great blessing this week, and that blessing was Yuengling.

This was also a blessing to me as a Pennsylvanian and as a beer distributor employee, because now I don’t have to deal with idiots willing to drive 100+ miles to buy some average beer.

I’ve been working at a beer distributor in Pennsylvania for more than two years now, and I’ve helped a countless number of out-of-staters load up their SUVs with cases of Yuengling Traditional Lager. And nearly every time I’m loading these into a car with Ohio plates.

My favorite part of these situations is when the customer stands there and explains to me how the state liquor laws are different in Ohio than in Pennsylvania.

“We’re from Ohio and we can just go to the gas station and buy a six-pack!” they say.

“Oh wow!” I exclaim, pretending that I didn’t hear this fives times already that day and that I’ve never bought beer while attending college in Ohio.

In Pennsylvania, the state liquor law only allows for sale of alcohol in licensed beer distributors or liquor stores. Of course the customer always tells me that this is a stupid law. Even though that law is the only job security that I have.

And it doesn’t make sense to complain to me about how it’s inconvenient to have to buy beer from a distributor in my home state, but not mention anything about driving across the state-line to do it. That part sounds a little bit inconvenient to me.

I’m not saying that it’s a bad beer by any means, but I don’t really see myself going any farther than Circle K to get it.

But you Ohioans want what you can’t have.

I’ve often questioned if Yuengling was just being used as an excuse to get out of Ohio for the weekend. And if the sales of Yuengling drop off, we’ll know that I’m right once again.

And why travel to a different state for beer when Eastern Ohio has some great breweries? Thirsty Dog and Great Lakes make great beers, and you don’t even have to go any farther than Speedway to get it. Sure, it costs a little more than Yuengling, but so does gas to go get Yuengling.

I’ll give Yuengling a couple of months before the popularity here dies out. Sure, it’s cheap, but it’s not Natty Light cheap. And the biggest hurt it’s going to take? Girls don’t drink Yuengling. It’s not light enough; and it’s not 64 calories.

They don’t even make a Yuengling with Lime. And why would anyone buy a beer that girls aren’t going to drink? Everyone knows that there is a 0% chance of seducing a girl that is sober.

So am I glad that Yuengling is in Ohio? Sure. Now I won’t have to listen to idiots talk about it.

Contact Dylan Lusk at [email protected].