Single guys, enjoy manly music while you can

Scott Green

Men, there’s an easy way to find out what kind of music you like: Get a girlfriend.

Guys in relationships know what I’m talking about. You meet this wonderful, beautiful woman, you lose yourself in passion and within months, you have three John Legend albums on your iPod.

I called a number of guys I know who are dating, engaged, married, married to the sea, etc. They all agreed this happened to them, though they couldn’t remember what kind of music they used to like. Also, on most of the calls I heard a female voice in the background providing answers.

Too many single guys think dating is just about the perks, such as getting their mothers to stop nagging them about not having a girlfriend. But there are parts nobody warns you about, such as music brainwashing, 90-minute phone calls and having to put the toilet seat down.

I remember when my favorite song was “Wake Up Call” by Maroon 5, a tender love ballad that expresses the timeless romantic message: “I shot my girlfriend’s secret lover and need to hide the body.” There is absolutely nothing wrong with this song, and there is nothing wrong with playing it for my girlfriend, Michelle, just to make sure she gets the message.

But now my favorite is Beyoncé Knowles’ “Single Ladies,” which includes the following lyrics, of which Grammy voters should take note:

All the single ladies, all the single ladies

All the single ladies, all the single ladies

All the single ladies, all the single ladies

All the single ladies

Now put your hands up, oh, oh, oh.

Do I like “Single Ladies” because it speaks to me, a modern woman with 21st century needs? Yes, but also because it’s become Michelle’s favorite, which means she blasts it nonstop in the same manner federal agents use to drive cult members from their compounds.

So I didn’t like the song the first 9 million times she played it, but now that’s not the case. Now I love “Single Ladies.” If I could marry “Single Ladies,” believe me, I would, though I imagine Michelle would frown on this.

There’s no way I’d have exposed myself to music like this when I was single. Back then, I listened to manly songs with names like “Paralyzer” (Finger Eleven) and “Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap” (AC/DC) and “Testosterone Death Metal Masculine Chest Hair Rock” (Elton John).

And music is only the beginning. My father, married more than 30 years, has to take my mom to see chick flicks, and Michelle’s dad, who has a wife and two grown daughters, knows the difference between various purse designers.

As guys in relationships, we have to warn our single friends what’s at stake. We need to enlist a really manly musician – someone like Jay-Z, who’s recorded songs called “2 Many Hoes” and “There’s Been A Murder.”

He has an album coming out soon; maybe he can include a song I wrote, “Single Men”:

All the single men, all the single men

All the single men, all the single men

All the single men, all the single men

All the single men

Now leave the seat up, oh, oh, oh.

Though I doubt his wife would allow it, seeing as how he’s married to Beyoncé.

The original column by Scott Green ran Feb. 19 in the University of Illinois’ Daily Illini. The content was made available by