31 days and 30 nights

Jessica Lumpp

Two half-empty vodka bottles lined my dresser, beer bottles filled my fridge and empties could be seen peeking out from under my bed the weekend my mother came to visit.

She said nothing about this nor the shelf in our kitchen lined with about 50 empty wine, vodka and other miscellaneous bottles. Her only comment was the house had “a dirty vibe.”

After six hours of shopping with her, and becoming frustrated beyond belief over my conclusion that “retailers are making their sizes smaller,” I admitted it.

“I am a fatty Mcfatterson.”

The words I’m willing to bet 80 percent of the female population has uttered – maybe not in the exact colorful form I chose to express it but nonetheless the same idea.

It’s what my mother responded that changed my entire month of January.

“If you’d stop drinking, the pounds would just melt away,” she said.

“Melt away, huh?” I thought.

And thus began my month of total sobriety and a very scientific experiment. I decided for my results to be accurate, I would, of course, not drink alcoholic beverages, refrain from working out and maintain my regular diet.

Now a month without drinking may sound simple to some people, but not when you live with what could be the eight most blacked-out girls in Kent. And yes, I was included in that eight until New Year’s Day which was when I began the insanity.

My last night of debauchery was New Year’s Eve, and I did it dirty – glass embedded in my foot and a hangover that lasted until 6 p.m. the next day.

For the entire month, I was heckled to go out by all my roommates and many other party-goers.

“You’re not going to lose weight because you won’t be throwing up as much,” one roommate concluded.

While some egged me on to stop this crazy scheme, others were quite supportive, or so they thought.

“Just come out with us and don’t drink,” another roommate said.

Like that would be any fun – I would immediately be chosen to drive and then just sit around and watch everyone else have a grand old time being drunken fools.

The month dragged on slowly and many times I pondered what my mother – who is like a stick figure and rarely drinks – knew about this matter. I was convinced she probably only came up with this idea because she is a total spaz about identity theft, and I have lost about four wallets, three driver’s licenses and 10 credit cards in my short lifetime of binge drinking.

Nevertheless I stuck with it, and it got easier as the month progressed.

Finally the month is done, and the results are in! Drum roll please .

I lost six pounds, not to mention my hair looks great from not teasing, straightening or curling it nearly as much, and I am probably about $100 richer.

After the results of my experiment, it’s obvious that completely not drinking is beneficial, but that’s unrealistic. So, the next best thing is a compromise of maybe only drinking once a week.

But, good news! My tolerance will be way down – saving me time, calories and money.

Jessica Lumpp is a sophomore magazine journalism major and a columnist for the Daily Kent Stater. Contact her at [email protected].