Eight hundred big boys

Ron Soltys

There are often times when I sit around and watch episodes of Futurama. There’s an episode during Season 5 where everybody gets $300 and, as a result, zany stories of their methods of spending it encompass the episode.

Supposedly there’s this idea going around, and we’re possibly getting an $800 tax rebate. What hilarious tales can come from my own personal spending of $800? There are so many wonderful things I can do with $800, but so little time to figure out how to heedlessly squander the cash.

As a college student, I can honestly say my budget is small and spread thoughtlessly like the legs of some high school girls on prom night. Unfortunately, most of my money is shaved right off the top by books, gas and other car fixes. Money that I do spend for the sheer sake of luxury sinks straight into video games and food. I have an uninteresting and narrow existence that revolves around Hungry Howie’s pizza, Captain Morgan and Nintendo Wii.

It goes without saying that I live the greatest life ever.

Eight hundred big boys: Where would they go? If I spent it all on alcohol, I would barf like a freshman. If I spent it all on food — well, that would likely also result in vomit somewhere along the line. Plans are for suckers. I will probably just bulk it into a wad, stuff it into my wallet, join the pimp guild and ascend to an esteemed rank of distinguished pimp master and walk around with it all the time — ready to toss singles at whatever seems worthy of my own personal beliefs of economic stimulus.

I’m sure in reality it will dump into car repairs and maybe a third pair of pants in case of emergencies, but entertaining creative notions of squandering both entertains me and satisfies the need for a column. I just recently bought a new phone and a new laptop. Christmas decked out little odds and ends; there’s nothing left for me to buy but sheer impulse grabs. I guess I could stuff it in the face of loan payments to help with the whole back-breaking decade of debt I will invariably encounter when and if I manage to snag one of those fancy degree things.

Don’t quote me on the whole $800, though. It’s possible this whole shindig will collapse, and we won’t get any money. I am confused as to how borrowing money from somewhere, giving it to everyone and putting them on the honor system to go out and buy 450 American flags is going to magically subvert an economic recession. There are a lot of things about the subject that I don’t know, but I think we’re in an age where baseless, sensationalist parental journalism is on the rise and so, you’ll do what I command!

Ron Soltys is a sophomore pre-journalism and mass communications major and a columnist for the Daily Kent Stater. If this offended you deeply, tell him at [email protected].