Narcissism easier than a relationship

Stephen Kwok

The University of Southern California may be ranked within the top-10 film and communication programs, but how does it rank in getting its students “Mr.” and “Mrs.” degrees?

These days, it seems like many college students are taking on the added stress of finding their future husband or wife, determined to find true love here in a university setting.

It makes sense, after all. Admission standards double as background checks, and perennially blooming cardinal and gold flowers set the mood.

But while some of us have made significant progress, many of us have been left in the dust.

We may have tried, even almost succeeded, but for whatever reason we’re still coming up short.

For those singles stressing about their love lives, I have a simple solution: become a narcissist. Love yourself.

It may seem unnatural, even impossible, but being a narcissist is simply the easiest solution. As an admittedly picky, and therefore single, USC student, it’s a movement I’ve decided to support wholeheartedly.

So by all means, lonely singleton, please join the cause. If you don’t agree, at least hear me out because there are plenty of reasons why narcissism can be for you, too.

We have no time:

Relationships that are worth the effort are hard to come by. As college students with jam-packed schedules and odd sleeping habits, it’s hard to fit in cuddle time with that special someone. But there is one person who will always be at your beck and call: You. You is a great cuddler, and sometimes You even brings along his or her best friend, Full Length Body Pillow. Body Pillow can be a bit awkward initially, but since You likes it, compromises need to be made. You’ll learn to love B.P., too. Ah, true love.

We’re predisposed as college students:

Let’s be honest now, how many times do you check your reflection a day? Too many? Well, who could blame you? We’re college students in our prime. With glass cabinets and doors all over campus ready to display You at your best, you know you already love You, just give in to it.

Fun Dates:

Many of us who are single have attached ourselves to a best friend, but best friends aren’t boyfriends or girlfriends. We may have fun together, but it could never become anything more. Once you allow yourself to get into a relationship with You, you can go on fantastic double dates with your best friend and Best Friend! Your significant others will get along swimmingly, too.

No gross-outs:

I heard you pick at your scabs and have stretch marks from losing weight. That’s disgusting, and I’ll pass, but you know who would totally dig that? You! You and You can share everything — drinks, food and toothbrushes. Only you two could rub cocoa butter on each other’s thighs and pick at each other’s hard-to-reach scabs. You has no shame. Score!

Ultimate compatibility:

You know how they say opposites attract? Well, they don’t. And who could be more like you than You? You and You can share deep conversations about what TV shows you like, which one of your friends is being selfish and spoiled or which celebrities you find attractive. You and you can even relate about religion and politics. Match!

So, lonely singleton, I think I’ve made my case. Stop worrying about impressing complete strangers and getting married when you’re only in your 20s.

Focus on You. You is a good catch.

Start with a date, maybe a dinner and a movie or even a romantic beachside picnic.

Chances are if you give You a chance, you’re going to like You more than you ever expected.

The above column, by Stephen Kwok, appeared in the Daily Trojan (USC) yesterday.