Hollywood sucks. Writers attempting to satisfy the requests of their senile, sixty-something bosses are vomiting cheesy one-liners and spacey dialogue on paper. Film execs call these insults to the general collective intelligence a script. CGI and special effects fill in the rest and act to distract viewers from the fact that the story is entirely flat. These “psychological” and “action-packed” thrillers flooding the market are prime examples of how out-of-touch greenlighters are with their customers.

We’re bored with what the entertainment industry has to offer. The dirt on who’s doing who and who’s having whose baby is sadly of more interest. Across America, millions of movie theater seats sit untouched, attracting nothing more than cobwebs in their upright and locked positions.

With the surge of HDTV and the convenience and pride of boasting an advanced home theater system, it’s no wonder cinemas are an endangered destination.

But there’s more to it than an increase in home entertainment technology.

Film execs have no idea what people want to see. The market is drenched with remakes and sequels that collapse under the weight of their own budgets. In attempts to tackle ground breaking subject matter, stuff like Brokeback Mountain and Transamerica gain Oscar and Academy buzz simply because of the “groundbreaking” subject matter, not because they’re good films or contain believable performances.

The escape is gone. With the same tired actors bouncing from one million-dollar gig to the next, even if there is a worthwhile story, it often gets lost in the mess of the viewer’s own stalkeresque knowledge of the person’s sex life and personal dilemmas.

With all this emphasis on getting established names, the movie industry looks more and more like it’s selling a product instead of telling a compelling story. It’s a two-hour commercial featuring million-dollar pretenders.

Why are Americans so uninformed?

Because homewrecking thespians birthing children make headlines more than political news that is lucky to get a cliff-noted mention.

Even when I push my resentment toward Hollywood logic aside, and do myself the financial injustice of dishing out the $10 it takes just to gain admittance, I spend the following two hours regretting every minute of it. To my right, a trio of middle schoolers mumble, whisper and rattle off so many no-he-dih-int’s that I turn green and hulk out with rage. But I quickly snap out of that delusional escape and just sit there with restless leg syndrome, eagerly anticipating the end credits.

According to a study by Brandimensions, an analyzer of consumer-published content which examined almost two million blogs and chat rooms, “even despite all the annoyances of going to the multiplex and all the other entertainment choices available to us, most people would still be willing to go to the movies if the quality of films were higher.”

Hey Hollywood, I have an idea.

Remember the late ’80s/early ’90s masterpiece Perfect Strangers? In this one, the lovable Balki from the fictional Greek island of Mypos and his long-lost cousin Fez, played by Wilmer Valderrama, inherit one billion dollars, but can only claim it if they marry each other. I call it Perfect Strangers: A New Beginning and it’s going to make millions! Tom Cruise is going to produce it. Look for it in March of ’08.

Ryan Szymczak is a junior English major and columnist for the Daily Kent Stater. Contact him at [email protected].