Nick Moose: Fully Loaded

Nick Moose

So, I know what you’re thinking. The one burning question that’s been on your mind these many months. The one thing you’ve wanted to ask Nick Moose all summer — besides out on a date.

“OK, Nick, my boy,” you’re saying. “I know you saw it, you magnificent bastard! What did you think? What is Nick Moose’s view on Herbie: Fully Loaded?”

Allow me to answer that query with an odd, stilted statement: I refuse to comment on what I thought of the film Herbie: Fully Loaded at this time.

I have reason to believe Lindsay Lohan regularly reads this column. The only option open to me that won’t derail the speeding train that is the slim possibility of her kissing me on the mouth is pleading the proverbial fifth.

Besides, I always say, when life gives you really bad family-oriented comedies about Matt Dillon and NASCAR, you make lemonade. Or, if at all possible, love to a cheerleader.

That being said, instead of discussing Herbie: Fully Loaded, I’m going to focus on what was the one bright spot in another summer mired in Hollywood cookie-cutter product: the scene in Herbie: Fully Loaded in which Lindsay Lohan gets black gooey oil sprayed all over her boob.

It was, to say the least, breathtaking. Even in its digitally un-enhanced state, Lindsay’s boob turned into an Oscar-worthy performance.

God willing, in future films, Lindsay will spend less time extraneously riding skateboards and talking and more time on having gunky substances sploshed on her curvaceous and hopefully un-un-enhanced form.

How was the rest of my three-month respite? Now there’s a question I WILL answer, with this brief essay:

How I spent my summer vacation

By Nicholas K. Moose

Age 22

 I started my summer vacation by drinking nothing but adult beverages for a whole entire week! Then I started to smell funny and no girls had sex with me.

Then I decided to go back to work at Dairy Queen where the girls were younger and, I thought, maybe less smart. Then some guy complained that his Brownie Earthquake was all melty, and I got in trouble for looking at my watch all the time and building forts out of cake boxes. Then, it turned out the girls were kind of smart, and they didn’t have sex with me.

Then I went to the Vans Warped Tour where the girls were WAY younger than me and pretty dumb! Then an ugly girl wearing a Good Charlotte shirt wanted to have sex with me, but I ran away.

Then I went home and watched 37 hours of boot-legged Japanese TV shows with guys in rubber dinosaur costumes getting punched by guys dressed like robots.

Then I looked at pictures of girls having sex with people and closed the door to my room and pretended to be the people they were having sex with. (I did this quite often.)

Then even though I was pretty old, it was still somehow time to go back to school again.

Then I drank some more adult beverages. Then I wrote this column.

Nick Moose is a senior pre-journalism and mass communication major and a columnist for the Daily Kent Stater. Contact him at [email protected].