COLUMN: Britney Spears brings world a bouncing baby boy

Allen Hines

Britney Spears is back in the news. Yes, the blonde-haired marionette of American commercialism gave birth to a six-pound, 11-ounce, 19-inch baby boy Sept. 14.

And I’m sure that young Sean Preston Federline will have the insight and intelligence of his mother. I’m sure that one day he will assure us that “we should trust in” an incompetent president, and “be faithful in everything we do.” And in 15 to 20 years, I expect to hear him sing Joan Jett’s “I Love Rock ‘N’ Roll” and tell Rolling Stone he did it because he loves Pat Benatar.

Or maybe young Sean Preston Federline will take after his father. I can see him having two illegitimate children by age 26. But then he’ll get into a serious relationship, and two months after the birth of his second illegitimate child, Sean Preston will marry not the mother of his children, but the biggest American pop diva. Then, he’ll knock up the diva and live happily ever after spending her money.

Although neither Britney Spears nor Kevin Federline is Jewish, MSNBC reports that Spears wants the baby to receive a Kabbalah blessing and have a “bris-like ceremony.” This goes along with Spears’ deep belief in Kabbalah, which Madonna introduced her to. “I read the Kabbalah books, and I meditate on them,” she told Elle magazine. “They are all in Hebrew. I don’t understand everything. But it’s kind of OK that you don’t.”

It’s so exciting that Britney Spears has had her baby. Now, we can all watch what kind of a screwed-up child the couple will produce. I’m taking bets that Sean Preston Federline will be more messed up than Michael “Blanket” Jackson II.

Another great thing about Spears having her baby is now she can get back to making music. I hear that computers at local libraries have been taken over by militant pubescent males looking at porn, so they won’t be surprised by the cover of her next album, which will feature Spears breast-feeding her son.

But except for those militant pubescent boys, no one is going to buy the album. Just ask Madonna. Motherhood is a bad career move. Before Madonna had her second baby in 2001, she was producing records that went double- triple- and even 10 times platinum. Since 2001, however, her sales have decreased by nearly two-thirds.

Now that Britney Spears’ career is nearing its end, I am saddened. Sure, there will be a couple more albums. But they will be short-lived, and Spears will be pulled away from the limelight.

At that point, I will have to look elsewhere for humor. It’s a shame. Everything Britney Spears and her husband do has an overtone of idiocy. We should all be able to laugh at it.

But hopefully, in 15 to 20 years, there will be a reemergence of the Spears stupidity in the form of Sean Preston Federline. Don’t let me down, kid.

Allen Hines is a freshman pre-journalism and mass communication major and a columnist for theDaily Kent Stater. Contact him at [email protected].