WEB EXCLUSIVE COLUMN: She’s just not that into you

Bob Patrick

I know what you’re thinking, that this is another relationship column consisting of generic regurgitated advice and cliché buzzwords such as “emotionally unavailable,” “latex fetish,” and “sheep skin condoms.” What makes this column unique is that it is written by a straight college-aged male for straight males. Unlike many sex and relationship columnists today, I’ve actually dated girls and subsequently had sex.

One of the best parts of a relationship is breaking up. If you aren’t lucky enough to be the one dropping the ax, you will be left to interpret your ex’s diluted break-up speech. It won’t always be as straightforward as, “We can’t be together because you are sleeping with my roommate and you steal from me.” It will most likely be along the lines of, “It’s been so long since I was my own person,” or some other ambiguous and confusing one-liner.

When she says, “I just want to make myself happy for a change,” this really means she wants to sleep with other guys. When she says, “We have grown apart,” this really means she wants to sleep with other guys.

Breakups may leave you drunk and emotionally vulnerable, so be weary when she tells you she still wants to be friends. This simply means that drunken Friday night hook-ups may still be a possibility, but you can still expect a guilty discussion afterwards about how you shouldn’t do it anymore because it’s confusing things.

Now that your sister isn’t speaking to you because you keep making out with her friends, it’s time to scout out some new female companionship. Try looking for a girl who is just out of a bad relationship. Chances are, the last thing she’ll want is a commitment, and she’ll be eager to cast-off the yoke of monogamy. If you play your cards right, you could be the guy she uses to make her shady ex-boyfriend jealous. Just be sure that you’ll be able to take him in an old- fashioned front porch scuffle.

Should you encounter a girl whose boyfriend is overseas serving in the military, it is your patriotic duty to ensure she maintains her virtue. Go no further then holding the door for these lonely ladies lest you incur the wrath of a very pissed-off veteran upon his homecoming.

However, if you happen upon a female whose boyfriend is studying abroad, she’s fair game. You need not feel guilty, as you can take solace in the fact that he is almost certainly tagging some sweet European ass.

Single college men are naturally inclined to search for women at the local watering hole, but play it safe men. Remember, if she lets you take her home from the bar, she probably let someone else do it last weekend. You may find it hard to believe, but she probably likes you more on account of her loose morals than because of your new Abercrombie cologne.

I realize this column only encompasses a small portion of the relationship/dating spectrum, but this is all of the space on the forum page they give me. I sincerely hope that straight male readers will benefit from my insight.

Bob Patrick is a junior political science major and a columnist for the Daily Kent Stater. Contact him at [email protected].