Museum of Annoying Guys

Don Norvell

First, I would like to pay homage to the late, great Johnny Carson!

Grandma once told me that when I was very young, she and Papa were visiting my parents and me one day. Suddenly, I ran into the room and shouted, “Heeeeere’s Johnny!” She claimed that she and Papa were disappointed in my parents for letting me stay up so late. I do not remember the incident myself, but I vaguely recall my grandparents letting me watch Johnny whenever I spent the weekend with them. Sadly, both my parents and grandparents adopted a strict 9 p.m. bedtime for me before I was old enough to have coherent memories of Johnny, but knowing that he did have a small impact on my childhood led me to shed a tear upon news of his demise. To the Eternal King of Late Night: Requiescat In Pace.

I was a big fan of The Man Show while Adam Carolla and Jimmy Kimmel were the hosts. My favorite segment was the Museum of Annoying Guys in which they mocked Jesus Repeatus, Testiculum Danglum and other most annoying characters. However, the annoying guys Adam and Jimmy showcased are very rare in my experience.

I recently wondered why they never mocked the annoying guys we see every day. Criticism is made to promote positive change; and so, for the betterment of the male sex, it is with great embarrassment that I present these additions to the Museum of Annoying Guys.

Gluteus Maximus Crackus — This is the guy who lets his pants hang low enough to expose his ass crack. Originally, only plumbers belonged to this group, but ever since rap became popular, so too has this trait. He is especially annoying when he wears a belt because that defeats the purpose of a belt.

Pooltablus Loiterus — This guy hangs on a pool table like a stripper on a pole. Pool etiquette requires that only the shooter may touch the table. Furthermore, everyone else should remove themselves from the shooter’s line of sight, from the table by at least three feet or both whenever possible.

Latrinus Loquacious — This guy makes conversation in a public rest room. I have no idea when men started acknowledging each other in the men’s room, but it is highly ladylike. Public rest rooms are supposed to be like the Visa check card (in, out and on with life). They are not conference rooms! Is taking a shit in peace and quiet so much to ask?

Testiculum Kickum — This guy will ruin a fair and honorable fight by kicking his opponent in the testicles. This guy has no respect for his fellow man and should study the Golden Rule. Mohammed Ali never used such a disgraceful tactic, which is why, at least in part, he is The Greatest.

Homo Flamboyus — This guy has more highlights in his hair than Ricky Martin. He skips rather than walks. He spends more time in front of the mirror than most women. His whiny, ultra-soprano voice hurts my ears.

Flamboyus sans Homo — This guy looks and acts exactly like Homo Flamboyus except he is not gay, which makes him more annoying — at least the gay guys have an excuse.

Don Norvell is a physics graduate assistant and a columnist for the Daily Kent Stater. Contact him at [email protected].